"Posted: New Video Website Critique..."

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You know, for every comment you post, I receive an email alert. And that little alert is just like a Christmas gift to me. (-:

--Peter

Comments

[Elizabeth Purvis]

I'm totally behind on your videos!
Been bizy, bizy. Getting biz and such off the ground means no time for "lifestyle design" quite yet, though I'm getting there. :)

Have missed this place, so I'll be getting caught up very soon.

[Copywriter, Peter Stone]

Elizabeth,

Sometimes people shoot me the strangest look after I tell them I'm proud of them.

Oh well. I don't need to figure it out.

Elizabeth, I'm proud of you. I suspect others reading this are proud of you, too.

If you'd like to say more about what you're doing to set up your business, so I and others can learn from you, please do.

Thanks for your note.

--Peter

[Copywriter, Peter Stone]

Richard Geller wrote:

Hi Peter, feel free to publish this comment. Sorry I can't log in but
anyway...

Great critique. Overall effect of the website is SHOUTING. As you point
out, there is no foundation laid as to who the writer of the ad is, how
he developed the product, etc.

The writer tries to build credibility through testimonials but that only
goes so far. Bottom line: great lack of SINCERITY that makes the message
difficult to believe.

And why? This is a simple product idea. You can demonstrate it readily.
Why not just have a short letter like this:

----------------------
headline

Dear friend, you pay for 100 clicks and 98 of them leave your site after
2 or 3 seconds. Doesn't this frustrate you? That's why I researched and
worked and tested and labored and wrote code and eventually developed
this product.

What does it do? Try it yourself now. I'll wait.

Now, what would you do if you landed on a site and this happened to you?
You'd pay attention wouldn't you? You'd stick around at least for a
little while longer, right?

Let's look at how real life web visitors reacted and see if it made a
difference in real life. Let's see how this has worked for other
marketers using real numbers. Then I'll show you how easy it is to put
into place and test in your system.

bla bla

I don't want you to buy it, I want you to test it. And if it makes you
at least $1000 or $5000 or $10,000 extra, then I want your money. If it
doesn't I don't want a single thin dime from you.

bla bla

---------------

I don't see why that approach couldn't test better than this one. This
one is painful. OTOH I could be completely wrong. Something to test.

--Richard Geller

[Copywriter, Peter Stone]

Richard,

Thank you for your insightful comments.

Just so you know, I'm working on the login difficulty so you and others can better enjoy commenting. This won't be a quick change, but it IS in the works. Thanks for your patience, thus far.

--Peter

[Copywriter, Kevin Francis]

Peter,

It's interesting that we all know the guidelines for things like using graphics but an example like this really brings it home.

I found the letter virtually unreadable, a problem made worse by the lack of a clear structure to the letter.

Agree with Richard's comments. David Garfinkel once mentioned a simple formula for a letter (1) Make a promise (2) Prove it (3) Ask for the order (4) leave everything else out. I think this letter would have benefitted from that approach.

Couple of other points...

1. If they're going to use the "Fake Newspaper" approach, an advertorial style might be more congruent.

2. Seems a little incongruent to rail at "hype" at the beginning and then bombard the reader with...well, hype!

3. Agree with your comments about the barely plausible reason for scarcity. it insults the reader's intelligence and further undermines trust.

Thanks for your comments about the lead etc. I'm working on a letter for an internet marketing product so those comments are most useful.

Thanks, as always for the critique.

Kevin Francis

[Copywriter, Peter Stone]

Kevin,

Good catches. Yours are always on point!

--Peter