"Kung Fu'd Copywriting...Latest Video Is Up..."

Today, let's examine a website written by copywriter Mark Pocock. The copy, written to sell a martial arts training course, is a bit wordy, but not bad.

Let's see if we can't get a handle on making this website a greater pleasure to read.

Please click here to view the video.

As always, let Mark, me and others know what your thoughts are...what you'd do differently.

Thanks. (-:

--Peter

Comments

[Copywriter, Kevin Francis]

Peter,

Always love your comments on these critiques, particularly in this case pointing out the implications and impact of certain phrases and words (for example, the implied "I'm a chicken" and on the order link!).

"Specialist language" that you pointed out makes a difference. I'm no martial arts expert but having become a "John Rain" addict I knew the significance of "tap out". It adds to the authenticity.

This is one of those tough markets where there's a ton of competition and I would guess a lot of scepticism. My suggestion would be to look to John Carlton's self-defense letters for inspiration. Even though pretty much every product is the same, JC always managed to find a unique angle that made every letter a compelling read.

I think in this case it needs more of a "story" lead. I'm guessing there's a story here somewhere ("For Thousands Of Years The Monks Of XYZ Temple Fought Off The Most Ferocious Attackers With Their Bare Hands! Now You Too Can Use These Secrets!"...you get the idea).

David Garfinkel critiqued a recent letter and told me "I'd done a good job...in a general way" (Ouch!). He then gave me a couple of suggestions to make the letter more specific which improved the piece out of all recognition.

I think the same applies here. Mark's done a good job but to make it stand out from the crowd it needs a more unique hook.

Thanks as always!

Kevin Francis

[Copywriter, Peter Stone]

Kevin,

Yes, David is very talented, a good guy and I respect his work.

Recently, without knowing who wrote the copy, a client I consulted asked me to evaluate his website. My verdict; "You don't need me, this copy is exceptional...".

Later, he disclosed it was David's work.

I should add, the website is converting at a high rate, but the guy is trying to fix problems unrelated to his website, by fixing his website. (I charge extra for logical discourse as it regards clients).

I don't say this in public, often, but I was involved with the martial arts for many years. Every time I mention it, someone comes looking for a fight, not realizing that I'm old, fat, out of shape and I now think of opening a ketchup bottle as an action-packed workout. Hell, I need a nap just thinking about it.

Someday, I'll relate to you the story of my meeting with Matt Furey and our extemporaneous and very public wrestling demonstration on the floor of the $400/night Renaissance hotel in D.C.

Anyway, I agree with your insights regarding the lack of a unique hook. And your evaluation of John Carlton's work in this area.

--Peter

[Kyle Tully]

Thanks Peter, loving the crit videos.

Cheers
Kyle

[Copywriter, Peter Stone]

Kyle,

Thanks for watching and your encouraging comment.

--Peter

[Copywriter, Kevin Francis]

"Stone versus Furey"! You should have sold tickets...I'd have paid to see that! LOL!

Talking of Matthew, I understand he is in hospital having emergency surgery on his right eye. Best wishes and a speedy recovery.

Kevin Francis

[Copywriter, Peter Stone]

Kevin,

And it would've been impossible to overpay for admission.

I can't remember laughing so hard.

I'll be praying for Matt's speedy and smooth recovery.

--Peter